11:27pm October 19, 2014

Unusual sexuality.

One of the poems I’m writing is bringing up my unusual approach to sexuality, romance, and sexuality. And that last quote, by Jim Sinclair (pronouns xe/xyr/xem, both physically intersexed and gender-identity neuter, also asexual), has stuck in my head for a long time. That there are so many ways to experience that level of communion with someone, without doing things that would normally be called sexual.

Personally I consider those alternative routes to be part of my sexuality. i understand that for an asexual person, doing these things would not necessarily be sexual. (In the same article, Jim says that seeing all these other things as sexual is just another trap, because it defines xem as sexual when xe is asexual.) But for me, a person who is at least somewhat sexual at least some of the time, those things are a part of my sexuality. in fact, they’re more a part of my sexuality than what people normally call ‘sex’ is.

I’ve never allowed myself to be penetrated and I doubt I ever will. I don’t mind people finding and using the typical erogenous zones on my body, other than that. (Generally, if it involves sticking something in a hole, i’m not going to be up for that.) I don’t mind orgasm. But with the right person, I can have experiences that are more powerful and long-lasting and beautiful and right than orgasm ever has been for me. (And it’s not that I haven’t had good ones, either.) My idea of a really wonderful evening with someone is snuggling. And as for those alternate routes to what I’d call sexual communion… they’re different for every person. The poem I write is about the one person I have really experienced this with, but I know deep down that for each person there would be a different route to that place of communion. And that the rewards of discovering that route are infinitely greater – for me – than someone manipulating my groin.

I don’t see a need to make up a word for people like me. But I’m sure there’s plenty of us out there – people who prefer alternate routes to sexuality, rather than the normal ones. And I don’t mean like BDSM (although if you’re into that, that’s none of my business), I mean like all these other ways to connect sexually without rubbing your private parts together. (Which is a good thing for me, because my body seems bound and determined to make any kind of regular sex, gay or straight, painful for me.)

Notes: