as small as a world and as large as alone

1:38am November 13, 2014

Rest In Peace. Ronald Baggs, 1941-2014

He took his last breath at 10:06 pm (California time) tonight.

I got a phone call in the middle of the night. I knew it was either Safety Connections, or really bad news. It was really bad news. My mom sat and waited for me to take my dexamethasone before she’d even tell me what the news was, but I already knew. Nothing else would warrant a phone call at this hour.

My brother is on the phone with my mom right now. I hope he’s giving her the comfort I couldn’t, given that I can’t talk and all i could do mostly was cry.

The part that made me cry the most…

When I was little I used to play with his beard, like the whole point of sitting in his lap was to get access to his beard. He told her before he died that he wanted her to cut off part of his beard and send it to me so I would always have his beard to stroke.

I don’t even know how I feel, it’s all jumbled up.

My mom was with him to the end, holding his hand. He wasn’t in any pain. It was probably as good a death as death can get when you have tumors everywhere in your body to the point that you can’t breathe. He was struggling to breathe and then he just stopped breathing.

I can’t imagine how my mom feels right now.

Or my brother.

Shit.

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