5:08pm November 21, 2014

I’m getting really sensitive about comments about my unpacking skills.

Because for the first time in my life, this feels like my apartment.  Like it was meant for me to live in.  Like it’s not just one more expression of poverty – even though it’s just as subsidized as my last two. 

It looks like a home.  I am going to great lengths to make it look like a home.  This is a process and it takes time, and sometimes you have to make things messier before they get neater.

So when the inspectors came through and said (nonplussed) “wow you have a lot of stuff” (uh, less stuff than in my last apartment, as usual I’ve cut my belongings nearly in half in order to move… but the movers took my “donate” piles and packed and moved them with me even though they were clearly marked not to be moved) and “So you have more stuff in storage you’re going to bring here?” (uh, no, I was thinking of renting a storage unit to get rid of stuff in my apartment without having to truly get rid of it, but after seeing the size of my electric bill that may welll be a pipe dream)….

I felt about two inches tall.  I felt like I’d failed something, even though I passed the actual inspection with flying colors.   I felt like she was sneering at me for having too much stuff or something.  Maybe I’m too sensitive. it’s not like I have more stuff than I had before, and I’m sure she knows it because she’s seen my old apartment where I had to use the bathtub as a closet because we lacked real closets.  This apartment has the potential to be truly beautiful and I will do everything in my power to make it truly  live up to that potential because I love it.  I’m completely in love with it.  And if that means renting storage or getting rid of more stuff, that’s fine with me.  Stuff is just stuff.But it hurts to have people come in and make comments like that without seeing all the hard work I’ve been putting in, all the progress I have made, with the help of an entire team of staff who have been coming in between shifts and after hours to help me out, because I don’t have either the physical or cognitive skills to do it alone.But unlike my last apartment.  Where I was told that my having control over the unpacking was a ludicrous, entitled demand that nobody should have to obey.  Here… here, we made a deal.  They could do the packing their way.  And I could do the unpacking my way.  And so far they have been impressed with what I have accomplished and how I have accomplished it.  I’ve delegated the harmless, little stuff to other people, and saved the important stuff for my direct control.  I have learned that I capable of standing up to people who want to do things their way, to say “I know my way doesn’t make sense to you but I promise there’s a reason behind every choice I make.

For instance, there are many items that seem like I wouldn’t need them:  The couch (really a loveseat with a built-in footrest that pops out on one side with a lever), lots of kitchenware I have no possible use for as a tube-fed person, etc.  And my case manager’s first response was "Why aren’t you getting rid of that stuff?

I explained to him that a lot of live-in aides, especially the program I’m going through (they do housework and errands in exchange for free rent) are people who don’t have a lot themselves, and are taking the position to avoid homelessness or other dire situations.  I told him there are many things i personally would get rid of.  But that can be huge incentives for a person without much stuff to move here.  So, for instance, I’m moving the couch into the second bedroom.  If my roommate wants that couch, they (I am not picky about roommate gender or lack thereof) can have it.  If they don’t want it, they can give it away, sell it, donate it, get rid of it in any way they want.  The same goes for kitchenware.  I’m keeping my baking gear no matter what.  But any of the rest of the cooking supplies, they are welcome to as much or little as they please, and they can dispose of what they don’t want in whatever way they wish

He hadn’t thought of any of that.  He’s somewhat new to the field.  He hadn’t thought of why people apply for live-in aide positions.  He actually thought it made sense once I explained it to him.

But I am finding myself very sensitive to criticism of how I set up my house, or how my house looks, especially since I’m not even close to unpacked yet.  But people still seem to have to say things about my place (or rather about my unpacking skills), with no invitation to say anything at all.

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