1:42am January 17, 2015

So I’ve been trying to write this all week long, about why I haven’t been posting here much, and I finally finished it.

Okay, I’m gonna write this one and I’m gonna stay with this one until it’s finished. Otherwise you’ll have no clue why I’ve been (comparatively) absent from tumblr.

Reason #1:

I have an infection on my leg. It’s a skin infection, and although the inside ring looks really gnarly, the bright red around the inside ring is slowly subsiding with the constant application of triple antibiotic ointment. And I’m on immunosuppressants — CellCept is a drug they normally give to transplant patients to avoid rejection. The dangers of being on such a drug are why they’re pushing for plasmapheresis.

Because that will show whether it’s autoimmune, much quicker than the six months to a year it can take for CellCept’s effects to be made clear. Plasmapheresis is much quicker, even though the idea of washing my blood plasma out and returning it to my body is rather squeaky for me.

Anyway, being immunosuppressed and having a skin infection makes me feel really sick. It’s like my body is fighting so hard against the infection — and, with the help of triple antibiotic ointment, winning, as far as I can tell — that it’s worn out and wants to do nothing but sleep. Except this time of early morning, right after my 3:00 a.m. butt pills, sometimes it’s hard to fall back asleep.

So basically, I sleep most of the night, i sleep most of they, and I’m most active around dawn and dusk. Um… maybe I’m turning into a cat? Anyway this leaves little room for writing.

Reason #2:

I have got the worst case of the opposite of writer’s block, that I have ever had. I’m using Evernote to organize my writing. There’s one folder called “Mel’s idea flashes”. That’s for things that flash through my head but I want to write about later, not now.

And.

Sometimes just in the middle of flipping to that folder to write it down, the idea leaves me again. It’s infuriating.

I know hypergraphia is supposed to be the opposite of writer’s block. And I have hypergraphia. But what I’m experiencing right now is more like I have so many ideas that I can’t get them all out into my computer, not even as phrases or sentences, before they disappear again, and then I’m lucky if I get them back. So this isn’t hypergraphia, it’s something else entirely.

I know some people might think ‘mania’ or ‘hypomania’, but I doubt it. There’s no correlation between this and my mood. And also I have very little energy due to fighting this infection, so there’s no surge of energy or… really there’s nothing at all here (other than “lots of writing ideas really fast”) that correlates with anything any manic person has ever told me about their experiences.

Whatever it is, the combination of these two things plus stress is making it hard for me to write. It’s taken me several days to write this — either I fall asleep, or ten really good ideas grab me and I have to go write about them.

Now I have to go. And either sleep, or try really hard to write about an idea that’s extremely important to me, down to my soul, for lack of a better word. That one’s been trying to be written for weeks now and I just can’t get it right, for reasons more than just the two given above.

It’s really weird to have something that functions like writer’s block (prevents writing) but is actually its opposite (creates too much writing for one brain to handle at once).

Notes: