6:11am February 16, 2015

I Want To Tell You

I never knew that I’d be actually using this blog, not just to explain how I communicate using musical echolalia, but to actually communicate, partially using musical echolalia.

One thing I neglected to mention before is I don’t choose the songs. I don’t sit down and go, “What song would go best with this thought?” No. I have an entire database of both full songs, and song snippets, in my head. There is almost always one song going through my head at all times. Not an earworm (a song that gets stuck in your head, often annoying), but as a commentary on something that is happening, whether inside or outside my head or heart. I often don’t understand the situation fully until I really listen to the song, and then I understand. And in some of those situations, I begin to sing or hum or play the song (on instruments, records, tapes, CDs, whatever) as a means of communication. That is what happened here. I can’t even remember the last time I listened to this song. I’ll put a YouTube version in here that comes with large-print captioned lyrics. And then I’ll write out the specific lyrics that are relevant to the situation. And then hopefully I’ll be able to express what I was trying to say all along.

So the relevant lyrics, there’s a couple different sets from different parts of the song:

Part 1:

I want to tell you
My head is filled with things to say
When you’re here
All those words they seem to slip away

Part 2:

Sometimes I wish I knew you well
Then I could speak my mind and tell you
Maybe you’d understand

Credit goes to the Beatles, “I Want To Tell You,” by George Harrison (arguably my favorite Beatle) on the album Revolver (almost undoubtedly my favorite Beatles album, I could — and used to — listen to it on repeat for days).

Now here’s another factor with my ‘internal jukebox’ as I used to call it: The meaning I bring to the song for the purpose of communication(1) is not necessarily the original meaning of the song. The above song is almost undoubtedly a love song, where the unspoken words he wants to tell her are “I love you” or something to that effect. But that’s not how my brain uses these lyrics.

So anyway… here’s what they mean to me, at this moment in time. (They could be used to mean other things

I want to tell you
My head is filled with things to say
When you’re here
All those words they seem to slip away

I’ve been trying to write on what seems like a fairly straightforward topic for weeks, and can barely get a single word out. Same goes for a lot of other topics, but especially this one. I’m sure fear has something to do with that, but

Sometimes I wish I knew you well
Then I could speak my mind and tell you
Maybe you’d understand

Anne would understand perfectly what I’m trying to write about. Unfortunately, she’s not my target audience, because she already does understand. Most of the people who I want to read this, may have guessed at the truth, but I want them to know the whole truth. BTW It’s not a bad thing I’ve done, it’s just something I’ve been intensely private about for a long time and don’t want to be private any longer. Or not as private.

Anyway, so, those aren’t just examples I gave above. This song started looping through my head on continuous repeat until i finally acknowledged the point of why it was doing so, and began writing this post, to communicate exactly why my internal jukebox(2) picked this song, of all songs.

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