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4:02pm April 8, 2015

bittersnurr:

My mother comes in and gives me like a 10 minute lecture on how I NEED TO GET MY PAPERWORK DONE even though it is USELESS and will ACCOMPLISH NOTHING and I should GIVE UP.

I must have said “I know” to “I want you to understand” like 10x and she just keeps going and I say over and over again “I cannot do this right now I am too tired and cannot do this” but she KEEPS GOING and saying that I don’t understand I need to do it.

I CAN’T DO IT

I AM DISABLED

THIS IS WHY I AM APPLYING FOR DISABILITY

YELLING AT ME DOESN’T MAKE ME LESS DISABLED

then I told her that repeating the same thing at me over and over doesn’t do anything but give me a panic attack and thanks for that. Now she is mad because I am “guilting her” because she wouldn’t fucking stop doing something I told her was unhelpful and refused to stop.

and now I can’t get back to sleep because HA HA PANIC ATTACK but I am a BAD PERSON for blaming her for giving me a panic attack when I told her she was stressing me out with information I already had.

so now I get to be awake and exhausted with nothing to do because I’m too tired to function so I just get to stare at the wall getting less and less functional until I can go back to sleep.

Wow your sleep state sounds a lot like mine except I didn’t have a panic attack, I’m just in a state of badly screwed up meds resulting in migraines and zero sleep in way too long and I’m freaking out about my cat being sick all the time and it frigging hurts.  But I’ve been through worse, so I’ll get through this (or I won’t, and that’s not as horrible as it sounds either, life is just weird).  I am just trying to remind myself that when I was delirious recently, everything hurt so bad that I thought my hair hurt, and at least it’s not like that, because that’s about all I can say good about how I feel right now.   I hope you get some sleep.  I hope I get some sleep.  Like even a little would be something, right?