2:47am April 24, 2015

I've been in denial about the most ridiculous things.

I’m not going to talk about it until I have it written up more coherently. But it’s not about something bad. It’s about the form some of my talents take. Over the years, it seems everyone but me has known and acknowledged the reality of the situation, while I have remained uncomfortable. Highly uncomfortable. And used my intellect to find ever more clever (but ultimately stupid) ways to deny what was right in front of me.

If I don’t screw up and write it on the wedding blog, the post will be looking, and will go on my prose blog that I have been underusing:

http://ameliabaggs.tumblr.com/

I will probably reblog it here though.

Every word I write is like a weight off my shoulders. It seems bizarre to me that I could be in denial for so long over something so obvious that it was the first thing many people picked up on about me. Still many do. And yet I’ve remained deliberately oblivious, not wanting to know the truth.

I know there will be people unhappy with me for talking about this, too. They will see it as conceding to stereotypes at best and bragging at worst. But I’ve been doing a lot of research. And I feel it is very important for me to “come out” in this way. Especially for the sake of others like me who may be equally confused. But it’s hard to put myself out there again and again. Aft the same time, it’s been one of my life’s goals to help others like me understand themselves the same way reading Nobody Nowhere and other writing by auties helped me understand myself better. So I also feel a obligation to publicly follow my research and self-discovery wherever it takes me.

But do understand my motivations when I finally post about this. It’s not about being better or worse than anyone else. It’s about understanding myself better. And it’s about helping others like me to understand themselves better – I hope. And it’s about shattering 20 years of denial. Which is plenty long enough, good grief.

I’ve talked to a few close friends about the matter and they said they knew this about me all along, but never approached me about it because it was clear I wouldn’t believe them. Only one of them ever even tried.