6:34am May 11, 2015

“Everyone says you’re a troublemaker, but IIIIIII don’t care! I love you annnny-way!”

—

a rather exuberant 5-year-old who had a crush on me when I was in 4th grade (the second time around – I had to repeat 4th grade to qualify for admission to the school)

Why am I quoting this kid so far down the line?

Because it was one of my first inklings that the way I saw myself, and the way other people saw me, was so radically different that I couldn’t even make sense of it. To me, a troublemaker was one of those boys who farted in class and then blamed it on me. It wasn’t someone who basically wanted peace and quiet and couldn’t seem to get any, anywhere. I still to this day wonder what I did that got me called a troublemaker enough for my reputation to make it all the way down to kindergarten.

My guess is that all it meant was I occasionally fought back – very ineffectually, I was a horrible fighter – when bullied past the edge of endurance. Then I’d be forced to see the school counselor and nothing much would change because I couldn’t ever understand what counselors of any sort told me. I did notice that I tended to get blamed for anything that happened to me, and that “Amanda will learn to tolerate silently minor inconveniences caused by her peers” went on my report card – their idea of a “minor inconvenience” and mine, of course… we didn’t see eye to eye.

Speaking of report cards, another one that baffled me said “Always maintain your high standards. It can be a lonely road, but I believe you have the courage and [word I forget] to do it.” I don’t remember having high standards, or standards of any other type for that matter, let alone confiding them in the teacher who wrote that report card.

Listening to other people tell me who I am has always been an exercise in frustration and confusion. I know that nobody is fully objective about themselves, but I think I was near adulthood before I met anyone capable of being objective and accurate about me, enough that I could trust their assessments of me regardless of whether it made immediate sense or not.

And I also spent a lot of time around kids my own age and slightly older, who absolutely delighted in explaining me to myself, which I thought I had to put up with, no matter how enraging it was to be told I had motivations for my actions that I’d never even dreamed of. The last time I talked to one of these people – several years ago now – I realized I didn’t have to put up with that kind of bullshit.

(She spun a long elaborate story about how certain she was that my gradual loss of speech, which she’d been around to witness part of, was actually “because of trauma”, and literally refused to listen to anything I had to say on the subject. Which made me remember that this was always how she had treated me. Which made me wonder what the fuck she thought a friend was. Because she’d introduced herself as “your best friend from [time period]” and I was like “I didn’t have a friend during [time period] let alone a best friend”, and then when I found out who she was, I remembered she had a habit of simply declaring people her “best friends” without consulting them first. But seriously friends, let alone best friends, don’t sit there delightedly making up stories about why their friends have problems, with glee oozing out of every word they say, and an “I know you better than you know yourself” attitude oozing out as well.)

So… no. I was not a troublemaker. But I also didn’t really want a 5-year-old following me around loudly proclaiming that no matter what anyone else said he at least knew I wasn’t a troublemaker.

Do most people end up with so many people trying desperately to explain them, to themselves? Because I didn’t see this happening so much to nondisabled people, although I could be oblivious or something.

(And please nobody tell me “troublemaker” is a good thing and I should be proud of it. Yes I know the word can be used in good ways. This is not how it was being used and I see no need to reclaim it at the moment. Please don’t act like I should.)

Notes: