1:03pm September 26, 2010

Reaction to an innocent but destructive mistake about my abilities

Knowing it. Instantly. Knowing instantly all this being wrong. Perceiving all the ways in which it was at complete right angles to reality.

And then.

No words at all.

And then.

Trying words.

And finding that the words were just … more random-seeming than even some of my more random autopilot-writing. Like bits and pieces of related imagery, but only bits and pieces, in ways that could not be organized in any coherent fashion. Where nobody would have a clue what I was writing about, or even that I had real thoughts under there.

And then.

Watching my fingernail-hold on ‘interpretation’ dissipate.

And then.

Watching even the incoherent words vanish.

And then.

Realizing that according to them, this kind of state was impossible (or rare, certainly not representative) for me.

And then.

Some sort of implosion inside my head. Laughter, and outrage, and violation, and then a sense of my mind just vanishing (which “doesn’t happen to people like me, not most of the time anyway”…right).

And knowing, knowing all along, that nobody ever sees the thousand times this happens to me, for every one time that I write in public. And that this is one of the roots of their honest but oh-so-damaging mistakes about my abilities.