8:36am June 2, 2015

Nightmares

How long will the nightmares last? How many more nights will they have me back in their grasp? In these dreams I am strapped once again to the devices. I feel the fear in my stomach. I see the same faces that I left behind, living the same day over and over. Popsicles sticks, counting, anxious faces, darting eyes, working to earn praise, then starting over again. Sometimes I fight the staff back with a confidence I didn’t have before. My favorite is when I told Matthew Israel to his face to go fuck himself. He did that nod, instructing the staff to shock me, but it didn’t hurt. That time was not a nightmare with a moment of victory. But mostly, the dreams are terrifying. I get shocked, and it hurts. I can’t escape. I can’t dial the phone to call my mom for help.
I have been through a lot of shitty programs, schools and situations. But the Judge Rotenberg Center wins the distinction of being the only one I have nightmares about. I don’t think they will ever end. Because that pain is etched in my mind. But maybe that’s ok. It keeps my anger fresh, and my longing to make it right. I never will forget the feelings or the pain. At least now, I can wake from those dreams and look around at my new real life, where I feel safe and happy.