12:40am July 17, 2015

“Any time I’m starting a new series or entering a new fictional world, I feel anxious. I can’t help it. THERE ARE A LOT OF YOU LOOKING AT ME. Which is actually why I stopped looking at Google Analytics back in 2011. I distinctly remember seeing a report that said that 550,000 unique visitors had came to Mark Watches when I got to “The Christmas Invasion” for Doctor Who, and I was nearly sick with anxiety at thinking that OVER HALF A MILLION PEOPLE WERE BASICALLY LOOKING AT ME. It’s terrifying, so I never do it anymore!”

Mark, Mark Reads Equal Rites Part 1

This is exactly how I felt when one of my videos began to go viral.  I found myself hiding under furniture, trying to put blankets over my head, and other things that don’t actually work because the people looking at me weren’t looking at my actual body, they were looking at a very (over)-popular(1) video of me.  But it was completely terrifying and I now refuse to either Google myself or look at statistics of how many people read my stuff (beyond occasionally looking at the “what phrases people used to Google your site” stuff because that stuff can be funnier than hell).  I know way too many people read me, even these days when I’m no longer viral and no longer one of the most popular “autism bloggers” (a title I was never comfortable with, but it’s how most people saw my blogging) and that’s already hard enough without finding exact numbers.

(1) I consider that video to be over-popular, anyway. Like it’s not a bad video, but it’s not my favorite of the videos I’ve made, and it was based on a previous video that I actually liked better.  Plus, nearly everyone missed the point of that video – it was to call attention to Ashley X and other people in her situation, and I was pretty explicit about that in the dedication to her, but people took it as being an “autism video”.  Ugh. 

Ashley X is not autistic, she has severe cerebral palsy (described by her parents as “static encephalopathy” to make it sound more severe and exotic, but all that means is “brain damage that doesn’t go away”, according to another woman with severe CP who knows what she’s talking about and has also lived through involuntary growth attenuation of another sort… and don’t get me started on the saccharine “pillow angel” thing).  CW on that link for institutions, abuse, neglect, and severe involuntary surgical procedures justified by people because “they can’t understand anything anyway”, which was… why I frigging made the video.

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