12:37am October 7, 2010

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Living with multiple sclerosis has been a bit of a rude awakening for me. Things I thought were possible aren’t. I had thought everything was possible, right down to nonviolent revolution. In moments of enthusiasm, I thought that I could start the revolution myself. Now I think: can’t do that by myself, can’t do this by myself. Certainly can’t start the revolution by myself.

I have a friend who refers to the “cult of self-sufficiency” in our community. Obviously self-sufficiency isn’t a bad thing, and of course all those things about lesbians and independence are positive. However, the fact remains that I somehow feel that I am letting the Lesbian Nation down if I am not going it alone. I have happily let achievement define me, and self-sufficiency has long been the substance of the important things I say about myself – never lived with a lover; never had a joint bank account; always supported myself; always did my own housework, taxes, holidays, writing.

Not being able to support myself now strikes right at the core of my self-image as a dyke. Now I live off the government, which I have to remind myself every day is a right, not a privilege. I do my best not to be ashamed that I take handouts, but I often am – ashamed, that is. And then I’m ashamed of being ashamed. And my girlfriend pays for a lot of things. Not that she has money particularly, but more than I do, I am dependent on her. There, it’s out. I have no illusions about the fact that I am lucky to be closely associated with someone who will let me live off her. But it is very hard to get away from the idea that a) I am lazy, and b) a good lesbian doesn’t rely on her girlfriend for anything.

[…]

I am sometimes a fount of rhetoric, and it is usually of the “let’s-all-work-together” variety. I really believe that none of us do go it alone. As long as we think that some of us are going it alone and others aren’t, we are ignoring the very real facts of social structure. The possibility of going it alone is just an illusion that distracts us from organizing. You are either successful on someone else’s back, or arm in arm with her. Your choice.

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