10:37pm October 11, 2010

Reaction to that last link.

The poem in that last link causes a reaction in me of dread and recognition.

Because even though I have more options than that guy. Even though usually these days I have both control over my own wheelchair, and a communication device with me. My ability to hold a conversation still depends a lot on the other person.

It takes time for me to type something. If, in that time, somebody decides they don’t want to listen, they can walk away.

If they want to mess up my ability to type at all, it’s ridiculously simple: talk while I’m typing. Most people won’t stop them since it doesn’t feel like interruption to the average person. And I will be unable to come up with words while listening to theirs. It’s like trying to count with some asshat shouting numbers at you.

Meanwhile, even if I have already typed my message, it is trivially easy, always, to speak louder than my speech synthesizer. If you shout I have no hope at all of shouting words over the top of you. If I simply scream wordlessly over the top of you, people look at me like a small child throwing a tantrum, only worse because I’m clearly an adult: the feel of their movements is the same feel as when they look at something incredibly disgusting. (Studies have shown that “normal” people’s brains light up the same way when looking at a homeless person as at an overflowing toilet. It’s like that.)

Many times I am typing on a computer that has no voice synthesis. Then it’s even easier to ignore me. Look away. That’s what the guy doing construction on my building does – and I’ve overheard him telling others not to listen to me because it takes too long and because… he trails off with disgust in his voice. I know an unspoken “ree-tard” when I hear one. (Yes, I get to say that word when referencing what people call me. The people who’ve called me that since forever gave me that right. To be clear, I’m not distancing myself from it while leaving others behind. I’m distancing everyone from it. It’s not a diagnostic label, it’s an ableist slur thrown at people with every kind of developmental disability as well as people with brain damage. It really means nonperson.)

So basically nobody has to listen to me if they don’t want to and I don’t have the usual means of forcing it on others that the average speech-using person has.

Plus there are plenty of times when I cannot move without help (not even to jump up and get someone’s attention) and am in exactly the same boat as that guy. People wonder why people who need help to type so often give only praise and thanks endlessly to those that help them. I understand perfectly. Most often it’s not the nondisabled fantasy that “severely disabled” people are so much more sweet and forgiving than everyone else. No, it’s that we are scared shitless that the communication we have will be taken away from us. Fear is a powerful motivator for passivity and politeness. And fear caused by very unequal power relations relating to communication can be all-consuming, personality-distorting, bottomless.