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4:59pm November 21, 2010
[Photo shows my face while very worn out, looking to the side. I am a white woman with thick black hair that stands up, unibrow, eyes that in this one seem to have eyelids at two different levels and looking to the left. Facial expression is a little blanker than usual, generally is how I look while more overloaded than usual.] Oh no. I just finished a post on my main blog. And… I’m disintegrating. Like a Star Trek thing where they reduce you to your component molecules and scatter you all over the place. Like that. My body is moving all over the place to try and tell itself it exists, but pretty soon I’m just going to disappear for awhile. Maybe more like the other thing on Star Trek. The shapeshifter guy who has to turn into ooze periodically instead of retaining a human form. It’s more like that. And people think that the form I take when I write is my real form, or close to it, or sustainable, or applicable to other situations, and it’s just… not. I have to be my real form most of the time. And if I don’t allow it to happen, it will happen itself. Which is what’s about to happen right now, all for a couple hours of writing. Already most of the world is a jumble including my body. I just haven’t let go of writing yet, but watching the rest of the world collapse. Next will be the structures needed for words disappear, then I’ll be back to what’s more comfortable really in a way. The wordless sensory-pattern-land. It’s just uncomfortable to go back by force while trying to write and function. But the actual place isn’t that bad. There’ll be overload and pain but also things will be less awful in many ways than just standing on the edge is. But please nobody ever act to me like words are in my element. They’re more like other people thing that I grasp at to be able to do thing that are important. Not my thing. Goodbye writing-land for now, time to dissolve.

[Photo shows my face while very worn out, looking to the side. I am a white woman with thick black hair that stands up, unibrow, eyes that in this one seem to have eyelids at two different levels and looking to the left. Facial expression is a little blanker than usual, generally is how I look while more overloaded than usual.]

Oh no. I just finished a post on my main blog. And… I’m disintegrating. Like a Star Trek thing where they reduce you to your component molecules and scatter you all over the place. Like that. My body is moving all over the place to try and tell itself it exists, but pretty soon I’m just going to disappear for awhile. Maybe more like the other thing on Star Trek. The shapeshifter guy who has to turn into ooze periodically instead of retaining a human form. It’s more like that.

And people think that the form I take when I write is my real form, or close to it, or sustainable, or applicable to other situations, and it’s just… not. I have to be my real form most of the time. And if I don’t allow it to happen, it will happen itself. Which is what’s about to happen right now, all for a couple hours of writing.

Already most of the world is a jumble including my body. I just haven’t let go of writing yet, but watching the rest of the world collapse. Next will be the structures needed for words disappear, then I’ll be back to what’s more comfortable really in a way. The wordless sensory-pattern-land. It’s just uncomfortable to go back by force while trying to write and function. But the actual place isn’t that bad. There’ll be overload and pain but also things will be less awful in many ways than just standing on the edge is.

But please nobody ever act to me like words are in my element. They’re more like other people thing that I grasp at to be able to do thing that are important. Not my thing. Goodbye writing-land for now, time to dissolve.