9:14pm February 8, 2012

Things not to say to someone who’s been molested.

“Remember he’s had a lot of therapy since then.”

I don’t normally write at length about sexual abuse. The worst of it is long in my past, I’ve dealt with it fairly well, and I’ve had much worse kinds of abuse, so if I’m talking about abuse it’s generally not sexual.

But okay.

When I do suddenly get upset by some kind of memory? The last thing I need reminding of is how he’s changed.

And he has changed. I know he’s changed. I’m glad he’s changed. It means he won’t hurt any more children.

But it doesn’t erase what he’s already done.

It doesn’t make it okay.

It doesn’t undo the damage he did to me.

And it doesn’t reassure me at times when I’m still feeling the emotional effects.

In fact, it makes me make a mental note to probably not come to this person again about this, or at least to do so advisedly. Because it sounded more like she wanted things to be okay in a way that they’re never going to be okay.

I’m not “forever broken” or any of that other stuff they always tell you about any kind of sexual assault.

But.

I doubt I’ll ever get fully get rid of the warped shit he taught me about myself.

I doubt I’ll ever be free of the disgusting misogyny he taught me.

I’d be really happy if I could get rid of the ongoing weird body sensations in the places he touched me. They no longer happen every time I look at someone who reminds me of him. But they still happen, and I’m not sure they’ll ever completely go away.

Yes, I talk to him now. If he still lived near I’d let him visit without anyone else watching. I trust him. These days. (It would totally be my right to never trust him again, of course.)

But there are things that nothing can ever undo.

This is one of them.

I’m pretty sure he knows that.

I wish she would know it too, rather than just trying to make everything be better through sheer force of will. That just makes it into my problem – he’s better, so why am I not? That kind of thing. Which is just looking at the whole thing upside-down. I’m not better because I’m the one all this happened to, and people can improve after abuse but nobody is ever going to be exactly the same as if it never happened. And we shouldn’t have to be.

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