3:25pm February 10, 2012

Sometimes being in a different place shows you more about how sick you are than anything at home would.

I’m trying to write a totally different post than this one. And it’s about important stuff. And my brain just doesn’t work right now. It’s both being in an unfamiliar place, and whatever medical stuff is going on is really trashing my brain right now. And it’s an unfamiliar kind of trashing my brain. It’s like… normally I’m kind of used to what overload or something does to me. And some of this acts like overload, but the entire shape is different. And life feels like it’s covered in some kind of see-through candy coating, and I don’t even know if that makes sense. I’m waiting outside the doctor’s office for a staff person to show up, and I just feel like complete hell. The two possibilities that seem the most likely are some kind of inner ear thing, or something going really wrong with a nerve block site (one of them is extremely tender, like you just barely touch it and it burns). Or both. Or something totally different.

I don’t know. I just know that nothing I try to do is working. It’s like trying to walk on top of ice, or lots of grease, or something. Only it’s not just walking, it’s like a whole lot of things trying to move past each other, or move to specific locations, and everything is greased so everything slides around and goes out of control. This isn’t good. It’s just hard to tell how much of this is just how bad what I’m dealing with is, and how much of it is that weird phenomenon where if I’ve ever experienced delirium recently then everything either causes it or causes something approaching it without actually getting there. (Right now I’d call this approaching it, definitely not there yet, hopefully won’t get there, but bad enough to make me nervous.)

And I know that most of my analogies don’t even make sense in most contexts. Like the other day I told my friend that I felt like bread dough that was rising too much and had little seeds or something all through it. She understood, but I’m not sure most people would, and I have no clue how to articulate that feeling to anyone who can’t decipher my brain readily the way she can. She also picked up on all this without me having to tell her anything, which is always a sign that whatever I’m perceiving is actually happening. When my friends can tell, then it means something.

Oh and to the person who wrote to me about the vertigo (which I’m still having to a really nasty degree), I don’t think I can even imagine that maneuver (from what I’ve read), let alone do it myself without assistance.

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