9:01pm February 20, 2012

State of my body report :-/

I feel weird. My foot and lower leg feel real because there’s a cat laying on them. And rather than the usual way my body feels — or un-feels — otherwise. It feels all watery. Like its solid down by my feet and goes more and more liquid the further it gets from my feet. Not just any liquid either – some sort of disgusting liquid. Something runny, watery, and sickly, filthy smelling.

I’ve had a lot more practice this past year learning to connect to my body, because it was so trashed after I got out of the hospital in August that I had to check on it at regular intervals. So I’m getting better at temporarily connecting to it and decoding stuff. And there’s way too much stuff to decode. There’s pain and all sorts of other sensations I don’t even have names for. There’s also nausea and what might be a migraine hiding in among the rest of the head pain. But I’m certain the migraine isn’t causing most of these problems.

And then there’s this awful level of exhaustion, like if I wasn’t already laying down I’d want to lay down even further. And my arms feel all weird like cracked bread dough again. (I don’t know how to crack dough but my body appears to know how to feel like that.)

Cognitively everything is a blur. Not a tidy blur. More like a lot of things motion-blurring past each other in weird and unpleasant ways. Thinking is hard. I have no actual idea how I’m writing this. Every word hurts in a dull sort of way.

My best guess for this is my intestines getting stuffed up again. Not a full blockage or anything. Maybe a partial one. I won’t be too graphic – just that things are moving, but not enough. And my body has the capacity to get extremely messed up at very short order from this exact kind of thing. It probably explains everything.

I badly want to sleep but I’m doubting that’s going to be possible. That’s the thing that’s the most uncomfortable right now — not having a way out of this. I hope tonight isn’t one of those nights where the high dose of laxatives makes me nauseated every time I need to take a crap. Because that will mean I’ll be up all night and that would be very bad. I wish I could reach the light to turn it off without upsetting the cat. This is one of those times when the sheer discomfort of my body makes time drag on and on in a way it never does in any other circumstance. I really don’t get bored except when I’m in a certain kind of pain or not feeling well in a certain way. Unfortunately that’s what’s going on now pretty much.