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12:17am February 26, 2012
[A toy white pickup truck.] This is exactly the right size and texture to hold in my hands when I sleep. Or just to hold when I want to connect to something solid. Or when I want something familiar. It’s funny how nonautistic people have trouble grasping why so many of us like to hold things that are hard and solid instead of just stuffed animals or something. And yet it’s so ingrained in me that I can neither imagine not being like this nor explain it except in the most inadequate terms. (Comfort, solidity, familiarity, a response to a body that feels all weird and liquid and detached.) True story: When I moved from California to Vermont, I had about a week where my apartment was almost empty but I still lived there. And I had this tiny side table made out of iron or something. And for that entire week I carried the table everywhere and curled up with it to sleep. Because with everything out of sorts and just wrong, I had to.

[A toy white pickup truck.]

This is exactly the right size and texture to hold in my hands when I sleep. Or just to hold when I want to connect to something solid. Or when I want something familiar.

It’s funny how nonautistic people have trouble grasping why so many of us like to hold things that are hard and solid instead of just stuffed animals or something. And yet it’s so ingrained in me that I can neither imagine not being like this nor explain it except in the most inadequate terms. (Comfort, solidity, familiarity, a response to a body that feels all weird and liquid and detached.)

True story: When I moved from California to Vermont, I had about a week where my apartment was almost empty but I still lived there. And I had this tiny side table made out of iron or something. And for that entire week I carried the table everywhere and curled up with it to sleep. Because with everything out of sorts and just wrong, I had to.

Notes:
  1. dianebluegreen reblogged this from withasmoothroundstone
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