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3:01am March 17, 2012

Something’s wrong.

And I can’t tell what it is.

I can’t rest or sleep properly.

I can’t concentrate worth crap.

When I do nothing at all, I feel horrible and like I need to do something.

But nothing I do makes it even a little bit better, and I can’t distract myself.

I’m sure that’s either physical pain, a response to tonight, or both. With a very large suspicion of physical pain.

But I can’t get close enough to my body to feel it properly. (Which is probably a sign of really, really nasty pain. The more I try to connect to my body, the more I’m sure something truly awful is going on in there.)

So I’m basically alternately doing things and not doing things and feeling lousy either way. And I’m getting even more certain of pain because boredom is always a sign of feeling physically unwell in some way for me. The worst boredom I’ve ever had has been while delirious and in pain from intestinal blockages. (Yes, plural. My body wants to kill me periodically.)

I know this will not be like this forever but this is… really serious until it goes away. I should know better than to stay on my laptop that long, while reading horrific conversations with asshats. Powerful asshats. Asshats who talk about ending suffering but don’t care how much suffering they cause. (Like this, right now.)