2:47am March 22, 2012

Trying this again.

Really tentative about writing. Last time it felt like it destroyed something. Like a line between me and the world. A window I was looking through. Writing put me on the other side and smashed it.

Now the window looks tentative and flickery. Thinner than paper. But it is holding. If I write slow.

But very tired. And shaky. My mind is clearer but feels as thin and fragile as the window.

I don’t really know what happened earlier. I was trying to launch into a description of my day. It was just after some really disturbing bodily experiences. And then – I don’t know. The words for it are not showing up. I think a large part of my mind vanished. And there were weird wavy pulsing things. And things were weird. And this kept flickering in and out.

It’s hard for me to tell the cause though. Because there’s autistic shutdown. But there’s also the fact that my body has been haywire all week. Something I wrote before this mind disappear thing:

“But my digestive system has suddenly switched gears into moving ultra-fast, so I am now not sufficiently absorbing food or meds and am getting dehydrated. And just feel ultra-weird. So I’d much rather have stayed home.

And this is seriously what happens if I push too much to do one "little” thing like debating would-be child murderers. (My doctor thoroughly approves of what we are doing by the way. He didn’t know this disability child killing was even a thing.) It doesn’t just make me really tired and overloaded for a few days. It throws most systems in my body out of whack, creating this cascade of neurological and physiological chaos that takes forever to subside. It always amazes me how interconnected everything in my body is, but this is not the most fun way to learn it.“

I went to the doctor today. Even while waiting for the van, I felt very wrong physically and did not want to be there. Things already felt really fragile. The office was busier than usual so there was a long wait both for the doctor and for the blood tests afterwards. If my doctor’s schedule wasn’t packed for months in advance I would have stayed home. It’s funny how when I feel really ill the last place I want to go is the doctor. Far rather curl up in bed.

I think I’m starting to disappear in a different way now. So I will try to sleep or at least rest. Still curious, Anne, your take on this, given how perceptive you are about these things. Fine to email privately if that’s easier.

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