8:01am April 6, 2012

This is so strange.

I would love to take credit for the changes I’m experiencing around dermatillomania. I would love to even know what’s happening exactly. But I can’t really tell what’s going on or how.

After 24 hours of no urge to pick, the urge returned for some of the time. But even that was different: I still didn’t pick. I feel like I’m much better able to accept the realities of picking, including the possibility that I’ll keep picking badly forever. And that seems to relax me enough that I generally have control. Not white-knuckle control. More a simple, calm sense of being able to choose whether to pick or not.

A few days ago I was certain that I had a huge and daunting task ahead of me in terms of being able to do this. To accept all possible outcomes. To live in the present and not freak out about what I’ve done or might do in the future. To avoid the horrible spiral of taking any picking as a sign I’d failed and had to “start all over again” – leading straight into “I might as well keep picking now that I’ve already fucked up”. I had no clue how I could possibly get past all that.

And then I pretty much woke up one morning and it had all changed. I don’t feel like I did any work to get there. As such I have no clue if it will last. Not that I mind this has happened, it’s just completely unexpected and I don’t know what to make of it.

FWIW the urge to pick seems worse when I’m tired. But sometimes it’s not there at all.

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