5:12am April 23, 2012

FFS.

Every night if I leave the kitchen sink on. I freak out. Repetitively. About whether I looked at the drain.

Because once. Just once. I didn’t look at the drain. And someone had that strainer-like thing in it. Which caused it to get blocked easier. And it overflowed. And I didn’t notice until someone told me the next day that the kitchen was flooded.

And then a month later I asked someone to check the dry cat food. Which we never used. And then she was running across the apartment throwing up. Because there was mold and bugs and larvae. Because it had been there during the flooded kitchen. And nobody had checked it. Because that’s what happen when staff(1) run your life and your house.

And every single night now. My drive to check the sink fights other drives. Like the way my movement disorder makes initiating the movement to get out of bed really hard. Or the cat is sleeping and the drive to let sleeping cats lie is stronger than the drive to check the sink. But the urge is repetitive and unrelenting.

And this is so GOOD compared to my childhood levels of OCD that it’s amazing. And yet this one thought to check the damn thing or the house will be flooded and staff will be throwing up etc. is just looping in my head and won’t go away and one way or another will end in me checking it. And either upsetting the cat or waiting until the cat is already upset.

And I checked. So now I will be tormented by “but will it flood anyway but will it flood anyway but will it flood anyway but will it flood anyway but will it flood anyway” etc. And if I turned it off then it would be “but is it really off”. There’s no end.

But then it’s the toilet that’s actually in danger of flooding. Go figure.

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(1) Disability staff == people with power over your entire life. Does not at all mean people under your power.

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