11:34pm April 23, 2012

grumble

My brain is foggy.

But it’s not just disability-related.

My writing vacation is over. And I want to write something that’s disturbing but it’s very necessary for anyone who is disabled or cares at all about anyone who is. It’s information that is far from well-known about a very particular source of danger to disabled people. I found it in a book that is obscure, out of print, and usually expensive. And it cites sources because it’s that kind of book.

And those damn outposts in my head that I talked about in my post about the writing vacation. They want to piggyback a bunch of crap into the writing that would cause unnecessary emotional reactions. Like ones that would interfere with responding to the information in a useful way.

And of course I’m fighting this. And of course they’re fighting back. Because that’s what happens. But I refuse to put this information out into the world until I can do it right with a minimum of crap piggybacking on the actual message.

So my brain is really not working well today. Or if it’s working well, it’s doing so beneath a layer of senseless crud that I have trouble seeing through.

And like… this shit can sit there dormant in my head. And as long as I’m doing what it wants. Or not doing what it doesn’t want. Then I don’t notice. But then try to do something that it actively doesn’t want. And suddenly my head is full of fog, or feels like its vibrating or spinning, or otherwise incapacitating or disorienting.

I hate that I’ve ever been put into the position to have life experiences capable of leaving lasting “programs” in my head, that use my own brainpower to fight me with. Of course I suppose that’s how all oppression and abuse works. But it’s a real fucking violation of the worst sort.

Oh well. I’ve been slowly beating this stuff since I started recognizing what it is. Recognizing it, disobeying it, pulling it out, and throwing it away. For a long time I had only the most minimal outside support, and I thought I’d be stuck like that forever. But now… now I have a lot of people who understand how things like this work and who can help me. And I’ve even helped other people when I could.

And as I may have said in my last post about this. My worst day now is better than my best day when I started learning to pull this shit out of my head. So even though it never seems like it when I’m first getting a handle on a new outpost. I will get it out because I have always managed so far and things have gotten steadily better. And even before I get it out, I will figure out a way to decouple what I’m trying to write from the stuff that wants to render my writing useless or worse than useless.

This is why I would rather experience physical violence than the mental stuff. Physical violence has components that work like this, but mental and emotional violence are entirely based in this stuff.

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