Theme
10:15pm May 2, 2012
[My eyes. Barely open.] Photo explained below. This is weird. It’s like on the one hand playing the violin makes me feel alive and connected to things in ways very little else can do. On the other hand I’m exhausted. Like almost puking exhausted. Not super serious (for me), but not to be ignored either. Even typing and stuff is difficult. When my eyes are open, they look like this. Since they are normally big, this is not a good sign. And they want to close all the way. A lot. I don’t think I’m really in that bad shape. Compared to what truly bad is like. But if I ever reach truly bad from something I want to do (rather than something I feel obligated to do), it will be art or music. That’s one reason it was a gallery opening that did serious damage awhile back. I suppose I need to be careful. But it’s just so weird how something can make me feel so alive emotionally and make me really sick physically. Creativity just drives me harder than anything else. I’ve got songs going through my head constantly. And violin is the only instrument I have ever even got a chance of playing them. I tried cello and it’s just too huge. Violin is just about perfect just almost too big itself. Anyway. Mentally and physically exhausted. Emotionally exhilarated and alive. Proof yet again that you can be happy and really sick at the same time. Like it says in the Open Letter To Those Without Invisible Disability Or Chronic Illness: “Please understand the difference between “happy” and “healthy”. When you’ve got the flu you probably feel miserable with it, but I’ve been sick for years. I can’t be miserable all the time, in fact I work hard at not being miserable. So if you’re talking to me and I sound happy, it means I’m happy. That’s all. I may be tired. I may be in pain. I may be sicker that ever. Please, don’t say, “Oh, you’re sounding better!”. I am not sounding better, I am sounding happy. If you want to comment on that, you’re welcome.” Yeah. That. That exactly.

[My eyes. Barely open.]

Photo explained below.

This is weird.

It’s like on the one hand playing the violin makes me feel alive and connected to things in ways very little else can do.

On the other hand I’m exhausted. Like almost puking exhausted. Not super serious (for me), but not to be ignored either. Even typing and stuff is difficult.

When my eyes are open, they look like this. Since they are normally big, this is not a good sign.

And they want to close all the way. A lot.

I don’t think I’m really in that bad shape. Compared to what truly bad is like.

But if I ever reach truly bad from something I want to do (rather than something I feel obligated to do), it will be art or music. That’s one reason it was a gallery opening that did serious damage awhile back.

I suppose I need to be careful. But it’s just so weird how something can make me feel so alive emotionally and make me really sick physically.

Creativity just drives me harder than anything else. I’ve got songs going through my head constantly. And violin is the only instrument I have ever even got a chance of playing them. I tried cello and it’s just too huge. Violin is just about perfect just almost too big itself.

Anyway. Mentally and physically exhausted. Emotionally exhilarated and alive. Proof yet again that you can be happy and really sick at the same time. Like it says in the Open Letter To Those Without Invisible Disability Or Chronic Illness:

“Please understand the difference between “happy” and “healthy”. When you’ve got the flu you probably feel miserable with it, but I’ve been sick for years. I can’t be miserable all the time, in fact I work hard at not being miserable. So if you’re talking to me and I sound happy, it means I’m happy. That’s all. I may be tired. I may be in pain. I may be sicker that ever. Please, don’t say, “Oh, you’re sounding better!”. I am not sounding better, I am sounding happy. If you want to comment on that, you’re welcome.”

Yeah. That. That exactly.

Notes:
  1. withasmoothroundstone posted this