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5:06pm May 20, 2012

Am I just really weird?

I really don’t seem to see myself the way most people around me see themselves. And I don’t know how much of how the people around me see themselves, is a human thing, or a cultural thing, or a neurological thing, or what. And for the purposes of this discussion I’m talking about within my body at the present because I don’t want to even try to explain how I think identity is a weird and shaky thing far beyond how most people around me see it, nor do I want to get into questions of souls without bodies, or how everything may be one thing, or identity may be an illusion/many things at once/etc. Right now I am able to discuss this facet of things so this is what I’ll talk about even though it’s only a piece of how I see things.

I’m not just the parts of my brain that form what people around me would consider conscious awareness. There’s plenty going on further back that is just as important. But I’m also not just my brain. I’m a collection of cells and organs and all kinds of things that have their own desires and awareness and communication. Add in the symbiotic bacteria who also have their own interests and desires. And I’m really a whole collection of different beings that work together in all kinds of ways that the “conscious part of brain thing” part of me isn’t going to be aware of.

I don’t just see this on a scientific level. Especially not the stereotypes of science. I also experience it on a visceral level that I’m unable to explain or describe adequately. And I would feel incredibly arrogant identifying only as that thing other people seem convinced is the only or main part that matters. When there is so much more going on to the way that I currently operate. I think being a collection of cooperative beings with their own experiences of things and modes of awareness is incredibly cool, too. Not that I expect all awareness to look anything like this brain-based stuff, but I know that some form of awareness and some form of drive to continue is part of all life. Nothing would get far without awareness and responsiveness and, in a system like this, means of communication and cooperation and other things like that. I don’t know the exact details of how it all works but I know enough to know the gist of it.

And I’m totally sincere on all this. I’m not trying to force my way into some kind of ideology, this is really how I see things. But I’ve only talked to a couple other people about this that I know see things similarly, so I’m not sure how weird my view of things is. I know it’s pretty extreme compared to virtually anything I’ve ever heard, including from people who know these things happen on a scientific level but still see themselves as whatever resides in certain parts of their brains.

Again. This is one part of how I see myself. But it’s a part I rarely hear anyone talking about. Except in that weird detached way that doesn’t connect to how they really see themselves. Like it is all just ideas to them, things that may technically be true but have no bearing on who they think they are. Also the more aware of things in this way I am, the more connected and right my life seems to get.