2:46pm June 9, 2012

Something fucked up is happening to my brain. Or something.

Yesterday I reblogged something on tumblr. I remember typing it out and sending it. But it didn’t appear. When I looked later, I had to retype the entire frigging thing, because it wasn’t there. Then it showed up.

Right after that, I read something on my dash. And I’m certain the person said the exact same thing, down to the detail, recently. But when I looked, it was not there. I mean the post I saw yesterday was there. But not the one it reminded me of. I did not ask the person because it was about a sensitive subject and I am pretty sure if I asked it could get taken very wrong no matter how polite I was or how innocent the question.

Later last night I got an email from a friend who had not gotten a response I was sure I emailed that morning.

Today, I emailed the same person a question. Then I did one of those “oops, sorry, I figured out the answer” things. And then she emailed me back, replying to the email that contained three links in it from me. She said something like “Oh yeah, I know about those. Like this one I’ve seen before. It’s called The [insert place name I don’t remember] Triangle!” (Stuff between brackets is me, not her.)

Sorry for being vague but it’s material for a future blog post so I don’t want to give it away before I post it.

I just looked in my email box and it’s not there. It’s gmail so it keeps track of stuff you erase. I erased nothing. The email doesn’t exist.

feliscorvus; Did you write an email in response to the email with the three links, that mentioned a triangle?

Could anyone help me figure out what the fuck is happening to my mind and my memory? I’m really scared. Not emotionally scared yet. But intellectually, absolutely. It’s been so many memories in one day that turn out to be true. I could pass the thing on my dashboard off as some kind of epileptic déjà vu thing. But the rest of them are detailed, sensory memories of doing things that never happened. This has never happened to me before. It’s pretty alarming to have it happen four times in two days all of a sudden.

It’s almost like hallucinations except in memory instead of in direct experience. And there’s a level of multi-sensory detail I’ve never had with hallucinations. And a level of mundanity. I’ve hallucinated before with temporal lobe epilepsy but it has never even slightly resembled this. And it’s never been a “back in time hallucination” rather than a present one.

The closest thing it resembles is a kind of dream I sometimes have. Where in the dream, I have this detailed backstory I am aware of as if it happened. But I never actually dreamed what happened in it. Like I might dream I remember ice skating, but never have dreamed I was ice skating to form that memory.

And even now I’m not certain that this is a backward-memory-hallucination, or if I’m remembering something I really ffelt like I was doing. And I’m not dreaming. And it’s so real. And I’m confused as hell about what happened. Anyone have even the slightest clue what it could be?!?!?!

2 notes