6:23am June 10, 2012

Reasons why I don’t give a fuck about a word that comes out of Ira’s mouth

[Mega TW: rape, sexual abuse]

Words mean nothing to him
He uses words as a tool to cover himself up.

He put more energy into manipulating people into sex as he did actually using consent, and whenever he was told that I wasn’t comfortable, or declined his “consent” requests, he would act sad and make it about him feeling neglected

It even came down to one time where we had walked back to his house from downtown, and we were going to watch a movie (his suggestion, not mine), and so I said I was okay watching a movie if I can just chill out, without any physical contact. He kept reaching for my hand, then sighing and dramatically pulling away- as if he forgot. He kept trying to get physical, and as I told him no, repeatedly, saying I “just wanted to chill”, he asked if he had done anything wrong. I told him no, I just want to chill. He then, after “asking” a bunch of times, he got up, stormed out and said “i’ll be in my room if you need me”.

I then followed him in there, feeling like I had done something wrong, and he looked like he was going to cry. He was upset, feeling neglected, unloved, etc. etc. As soon as I grabbed his hand/gave him physical contact, he perked right up and was smirking. I asked him why he did that, and he said “he just didn’t think I cared”, and “he was happy”

And then, as the evening went on, he “asked” for consent. ”Are you sure this is okay”, after ALREADY GUILTING ME. I knew that it was either compromise my boundaries, or be responsible for his depression.

And then he has the nerve to say “we talked” about it, or “I always checked in and asked for consent”. You didn’t “check in”, you “checked in” frequently to see if I had changed my mind yet, you checked in to see if my “no” was still a “no”. You wrapped it in fancy language and said “well I just wanted to check in”.

Also, your comment about how we “discussed consent and how it interacted with our depression” or some bullshit
Uh, no. I told you I get anxiety and don’t always like to be touched. You came back and told me that you need to be validated through physical contact. And acted as if those were the same thing.

Talk means nothing when it comes to him, because talk to him is just words,
his real intentions come out with the guilt, the shaming, the using of mental illness as a tool,

talk is just words to him, and you can see it in his writing. His use of SJ language to cover up his rape apologism.
I don’t want him to “take accountability” through words, because they’re just words.

I want to never see his face in any activist space again. I want his blog gone. I want his public speaking platforms taken away. And I want people to know his history with sexual violence in hopes that he’ll never get another date, or another chance to get laid again. THAT is accountability. I want him to realize what he is and what he’s done.

Wow. I’ve been in very similar situations, both sexually and otherwise. In all, it was beyond terrible. I hope you’re getting the support I didn’t. Because dealing with this, while also dealing with public scrutiny, completely sucks on every possible level. All I can really do is signal boost sometimes, but I’ll do what I can.

Notes: