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4:36pm July 12, 2012

➸ Yet Another Kiri Bloggish Thing: I admit it:

kiriamaya:

Part of me is jealous that I didn’t have freaking everybody rallying around me when I got death threats and rape threats.

And a small part of me thinks that’s petty of me, and a larger part of me thinks I’m right to see it as society rallying around only one particular kind of woman. Maybe it’s…

I occasionally feel that way too. I mean I did have a few. But not huge numbers, and some of that few did more harm than good (like the guy who threatened people in my name and told them false information about my life as if it was what I had told him). Of course I was being instructed by a lawyer not to fight back myself, because if someone did kill me it needed to be clear I didn’t provoke or escalate anything.

But when I see the level of help some people around me got in similar situations I sometimes get angry. They deserve that help of course. But so did I. And in many cases I needed it more – watching middle class and higher people get financial help for legal representation and the like, when I was on disability, and my family is way too poor to help with that, and I got no help of that kind at all. Plus my stalker tried to undermine my support by implying that there was someone very close to me leaking private information to her (although I learned that to be false, or mostly false, on seeing some of the “information”).

And it always boiled down to the people who got the most help were the most privileged. The people who got financial help were middle class or rich. The people who got the FBI called in to deal with it (even when the threats weren’t as serious) were the ones with the connections and the power and the powerful positioning within society. I was just a lone activist on disability who wasn’t powerful or “connected” enough to matter, and even the tiny little matter of keeping someone away from me who had threatened to kill me turned into a big controversy.

I get such mixed feelings. Because what other people are getting is what they should get. So being mad at them doesn’t work. But I do get mad and jealous sometimes because I went through hell with much less help than I needed. Argh.

Notes:
  1. lavienoire reblogged this from kiriamaya
  2. kiriamaya reblogged this from withasmoothroundstone and added:
    ^ I feel that last paragraph so much. And ugh, I’m so sorry you had to go through these things and not get what you...
  3. missdorotheabrooke reblogged this from withasmoothroundstone
  4. fullyarticulatedgoldskeleton reblogged this from withasmoothroundstone
  5. withasmoothroundstone reblogged this from kiriamaya and added:
    I occasionally feel that way too. I mean I did have a few. But not huge numbers, and some of that few did more harm than...
  6. maevele said: it’s not at all wrong to be angry about that. It’s full on true that the “right” (white, cis, abled,) victims get much more support
  7. semperlux-semperlux said: I don’t think it’s wrong at all. Most people seem to experience that type of emotion for more seemingly trivial issues- of course it’s normal to feel that way about the serious ones.
  8. knitmeapony said: It is not wrong for you to feel angry and jealous. Not at all. You DESERVE to be protected when assholes threaten you.
  9. guerrillamamamedicine said: i feel you.