Theme
2:45am August 15, 2012

Amitriptyline withdrawal FUCKING SUCKS FUCKING SUCKS FUCKING SUCKS.

I’m doing this weird dull wailing. And it’s freaking Fey out. She’s snuggling me and keeps shooting me concerned glances. And I feel bad for making her worry.

I did it really slow with the supervision of my neurologist. I just did not want to add one more med without removing one first because I’m on so many meds.

But my brain is delicate or something because addition or removal of anything affecting it completely throws it out of whack.

I feel WRONG. Just horribly WRONG. Physically and cognitively.

At one point combined with overload I got so disoriented I couldn’t tell where I was. And then it set up this whole blank space around me before getting better.

I WANT TO STOP FEELING WRONG.

Sleep, when I can get it (this was the one med controlling my circadian rhythms at all sleep wise) doesn’t make me feel better. I have nightmares. This morning I woke up after an uber-realistic nuclear disaster dream. I died in the dream. I couldn’t move when I woke up. And not like sleep paralysis. I really felt like I’d died. I was really stiff and fogged out and physically numb.

(I’ve had nuclear disaster nightmares a lot of my life. Very realistic. With things that I couldn’t even know about until I started reading up on interviews with Chernobyl survivors. Specific stuff. I have no explanation other than my brain is scary good at patterns sometimes.)

In fact I’m dying in a lot of my dreams lately. In intense scary realistic ways. So I’m not very rested by my sleep. Maybe I should get my sleep apnea checked. Or maybe it’s the med withdrawal.

But I feel all wrong. So very wrong. And it’s not depression or something. In fact it’s surprising how non-depressed I am. It’s more like pain or something. And wrongness. Lots of that. It’s horrible.

And I won’t go back on it because I don’t want to go through this all over again. But I just want it to stop. I feel disconnected and irrational and disoriented and confused and my body feels weird and lots of things hurt. And I almost never whine about stuff like this, even when going through really hard shit, so that there should say something’s very wrong.

This can’t get over fast enough. The wrongness… the reason it’s so hell is because it’s like itching but not being able to scratch it. But even that can’t fully describe it. There should be a vocabulary for weird-brains. This is also uncomfortably similar to like… delirium-type stuff? Not exactly but too close to be comfortable.

EFFING JUST STOP ALREADY BRAIN CHEMICALS. READJUST. NOW.

/rant