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7:53pm August 27, 2012

Do I have a distortion field around me?

I’m asking because stuff is getting even more fucked up than usual.

I’m having this series of conversations. Where one of several things happen:

1. People get hurt by something I didn’t mean.

2. People get offended by something j didn’t mean.

3. People “disagree” with me by writing a long post responding to things I never said. Often, I agree with the contents of their post.

4. People respond almost entirely, or entirely, to things I don’t mean, whether hurt, offended, disagreeing, or agreeing.

Then I attempt to explain myself and it happens again, and again, and again, and again.

And then today, weirdly enough. I post a link to a conversation started by someone other than me, that I took only minimal part in. And people respond to that almost entirely with responses to things the person I linked to never said.

Which weirds me out and makes me ask the distortion field question because I’d thought it was me. But now it’s happening when I just post something by someone else.

I attempted to explain, to the best of my ability, what the OP had actually meant. I mean I’m not a mind reader but I have a pretty good idea. I’m already predicting which parts of my explanation will be taken wrongly, and how. Because there’s only so much detail I can go into before it becomes infinite.

So… Yeah. Really confusing and somewhat upsetting. I feel like I can’t communicate with anyone.

Other possible explanation I just thought of.

I already know that the thoughts I have and the opinions I tend to come up with, are far outside the realm of what most people, even many autistic people, expect to even exist in the world.

So when I write them, people see the closest thing to their expectation as possible. And respond to that thing as if it’s what I wrote.

What if the people whose opinions I’m attracted to the most, tend to be the same way? And therefore, what if they’re responding in the same way to them as they respond to me?

Creates the same problem though. How the fuck can I communicate to anyone whose assumptions about the world literally don’t include my existence or the existence of my thoughts or opinions?

I have been assuming that these problems are just ones where assumptions are temporary. Where someone says “I didn’t mean what you just said I mean” and I say “Sorry” and we move on. But what if the assumptions in question are more permanent structures? Things heavily attached to the person. Things that will resist going away. What then?

And I don’t want to get into what categories of assumptions might come into play once I start saying ‘No, this isn’t what I meant, and that isn’t me.“ Because I don’t want to put ideas into their heads that they might find more plausible than they find actual reality.

All of which makes me loathe communication sometimes. But I don’t want to only communicate with people who have compatible assumptions either. ARRRRRRRRRRRGH.