12:42pm November 3, 2012

So far…

Since getting home. Both my worst moments of delirium and my worst moments of emotional stress have been closely associated with physical things.

As in.

Pain levels, for one thing. I’ve become less aware of my body again.

As in.

First I collapsed in someone’s doorway and couldn’t even move my wheelchair for an hour. While I felt like I was in some kind of eternal horrible white place. With the physical sensation of getting whirled in circles – hard – until I nearly puked.

Then once I was (more or less) coherent, they asked it I was in pain and I thought I did a thorough check of my body before saying maybe a little.

And then got in bed and realized my pain level was seven climbing towards eight.

And I still haven’t cognitively recovered. That was November 1. Oh and there may have been seizures thrown in for good measure.

Now this morning I got completely bent out of shape emotionally for no reason at all and thought the world was coming to an end. Turned out to be a minor error in medication timing that never affects me this badly under normal circumstances.

It’s like any little change to my body makes my mind collapse in on itself at the moment.

Okay pain that intense isn’t little. But it feels like it at the time. The medication thing is little enough normally though.

Now I’m bone-tired.

I wish I could say all the things I wanted to say. It’s getting so much harder lately. I want to say them the way my body naturally communicates such things. But if that worked for more than just friends, I’d never have had to become a writer.

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