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12:45pm November 7, 2012

I just had two scheduled things change on me, rapidfire, within 30 minutes of finding out about one and trying to readjust, someone pulled the rug out from under me again. Not intentionally. But it still happened.

And I’m trying not to have a huge meltdown, because I’m going to be bathed by this person sometime within the hour. Who tried to make me look her in the eye because she thought I wasn’t understanding her fast enough.

And it felt like people expected me to understand things I’d never heard of before. Fast. Fast. Fast.

I know, I wasn’t the only person whose life was altered by this and maybe I wasn’t, in the moment, able to acknowledge its effect on anyone else (or my effects on anyone else), although i was trying really hard.

And now I think maybe I screwed something up without even knowing.

But I’m trying to do the right thing. I just don’t always know what the right thing is. And I wanted to know something, and… it seemed like other people couldn’t even understand what I wanted to know, because that would require me to understand things they understood already, or… something.

It’s so confusing.

I don’t want to like… not be accountable for my actions, or assume there was no other way I could have done things. But I don’t know how else I could have done things. I don’t understand very quickly, and even under good circumstances I understand less quickly when you pull the rug out from under me twice, no matter why, no matter who, no matter how nicely.

And this wasn’t always nicely. “LOOK AT ME!” is never nicely. And right now? I’m embarrassed to admit this but right now “LOOK AT ME!” is nearly enough to make me completely fall apart on its own.

I feel like such an idiot sometimes.

The worst part was I was trying hard to find if there was a solution where everyone involved could get what they wanted or needed. But it turned out the only solution was one that involved waiting. And waiting is okay but it changed and it changed fast and my brain hasn’t caught up.

I don’t know how I should have handled it. Whether it was wrong to ask “Please, could you arrange things so they were how they were at the beginning, and do it over?” I don’t know. I wasn’t even requesting it so much as I was asking if it was even possible. And apparently it wasn’t due to some technical thing – and due to the fact that other things (that were out of my control) happened the way they did.

I hope I didn’t do any harm, at least. I can see where I could have. I don’t know. I don’t know if people were just being too nice (or too busy) to tell me if I was.

I know I react strongly when people do “LOOK AT ME!”

And this might scare people.

And things were already bad. For everyone.

And I don’t know.

I feel like a bunch of drifting pieces and I don’t know how to put them right.