6:40am November 10, 2012

In the “Oh holy fuck she’s right” department.

So I rely heavily on three friends to help me understand what’s going on with my mind and body, and I return the favor when I can. One is a mentor (the real kind, not the cheapened corporate version or a euphemism for staff) I’ve had since I was 17, who is autistic but fairly different from me and much older, the other two are people from my own generation and general autism subtype for lack of better words.

So one of them told me I seemed really exhausted.

I report this to another, and she goes, “Well yeah people just out of the hospital feel that way, it’ll take you awhile to recover, maybe several more months.”

I tried to protest that one month isn’t just out of the hospital but she wouldn’t believe me.

Then in trying to come up with information to fling back at her to prove her wrong, I remembered my previous hospital stays. And while some took very little recovery time. Some marked abrupt changes in my energy levels and huge drops in physical ability that I never fully got better from. And one of those was only a three day stay, so I assume it has something to do with the severity of illness too. Although she says that long stays take longer.

And right now I’m still in a level of tiredness and pain that affects my mental functioning quite a lot. Apparently it is getting better but from the inside I can’t see it very well. I’ve been really fuzzy headed the past couple days. And I slept all night but I bet I could sleep all day too. Might have to, I’m still wiped out.

Oh another subject that came up is that delirium apparently predicts a longer illness and worse outcome. And I’ve never not been delirious in the hospital except a cardiac ward as a kid.

And I still feel wrong that I can’t write about anything interesting. Or read about any of the subjects people around here seem to find the most interesting.

I can’t even do the reading on delirium I need to start doing if I’m going to be trying to change policy on it. It’s like there’s a wall between me and it much like the catatonia reading I did before. But this time it’s as much inability as anything. I just can’t get my mind up past a certain level. And it’s taken a downturn since a couple days ago. According to my friends that almost always means I am physically worse. But I can’t feel my body well enough to tell.

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