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7:33am December 16, 2012

And the bottom dropped out of the world and I’m scared

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I feel really bad. And I don’t know the words. Everything is messed up. I don’t remember who I am. I don’t remember a lot of things. I get scared when this happens. The world hasn’t gone away, I’m just confused, and that’s something. There’s something I need to find though and I can’t find it. Or remember it. When I find it, things make sense again, and I stop crying so much. What’s going to happen? I don’t remember anything how its supposed to be. And I feel like… nothing makes sense, I can’t find… something. I’m really scared.

Why has this gone on so long? Why hasn’t this stopped happening yet? I get confused and everything gets weird and I can’t make it stop. I’ve tried so hard to hang on and force my brain to work but right now it won’t.

I think I just remembered how to open myself up to parts of the world that make this marginally more tolerable. Not required finding anything other than the right place to let go of. But this is still bad. Just not as bad. Not crying quite as bad. More relaxed a little. But still things don’t make sense, and I don’t understand what’s happening or much of why. I just have… something in the world to lean on, now. And that’s better than nothing. Please, things, start making sense again, I still don’t understand much.