8:25am December 18, 2012

Okay that day just disappeared.

So… the night before yesterday pain got to completely unbearable levels. As in, never been that bad since the hospital. I still blame the fact it was a resident doing the procedure on the most sensitive nerve in my body – to learn how to do it. They’ve got to learn somewhere but fuck its been months since I’ve experienced a 9 (the hospital is the last time this level of pain happened). I was hallucinating football players and crap in my room, like my brain just wanted to check out. And I just kept crying until my body decided that even that didn’t work, which is when I pulled out that same box I had with me in the hospital and just held onto it for hours doing nothing and sort of wavering in and out of full-scale delirium.

Anyway so I somehow got to sleep. Slept the whole night. And then things got weird. Weirder. I’d wake up, get hit by a blast of pain, and then I’d suddenly be asleep, or passed out, or unaware of my surroundings, or something, and that went on all day, repeating over and over, I just left my bipap on because I couldn’t stay with-it enough to wake up for more than a few seconds. Until finally in late evening I woke up for a few hours actually rejoicing that my pain was an 8. Which is really bad. But given how bad it was and still is, I am not at all unhappy that I lost a day in the middle.

Then I went to sleep again. And now I’m awake but in a shitload of pain. (Where shitload is still defined as not as bad as the past couple days so far.) Distracting myself by watching a documentary on the dust bowl – I’m at least half Okie, so this is family history I’m watching. Three of my grandparents are from that general part of the country and came to California. The documentary shows video footage and interviews that are unbelievable, from people who were kids at the time. It’s really long so I’m not anywhere near done, but it takes my mind off the pain as much as I can at the moment.

Fey has been worried. The first day she was sniffing my face and looking completely unsettled like she didn’t know what to do, and she kept trying to get me to move and I couldn’t, my body just curled up in a ball and wasn’t going anywhere without a fight. The day I lost, every time I woke up she was snuggled up to me purring as loud as she could. And she’s here now curled up by my arm. I hope she knows this is temporary. It’s worse than usual for after a nerve block, but then I had missed the one scheduled when I was in the hospital so I think my nerves are primed to create as much pain as possible. Hopefully soon this thing will work and actually STOP pain, which is its actual job, it just gets worse before it gets better because of the mechanics of the thing.

Putting this here because it’s easier than emailing friends with all this.

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