7:22am December 31, 2012

I don’t feel too great.

Yesterday I woke up after days of mostly sleeping. And I read all day. And I woke up again. It felt like. Reading isn’t sleep. But it felt like sleep. Like my mind going through the words but not landing on any.

And I woke up alone, in the dark, and started crying. Because my temporal lobes are trying to convince me that the last couple months didn’t happen. And it’s really scary.

She says I’m still having post-ictal brain scrambling. But it feels so very like the early stages of getting out of delirium. She says maybe because my brain is not only having seizures but also fighting blankness.

But I feel wrong. I feel new. Like I don’t remember big things about the world. Things that should be familiar feel blank. At night in the dark the blankness is everywhere.

I don’t know how to say everything. But things feel wrong. I’m scared a lot of the time. It’s too easy to start crying again. I don’t remember things I should remember. I feel like I just woke up for the first time, and the world is new to me, yet that doesn’t go with having memories.

But it remains, that feeling I’ve never seen the world before and would never understand it. And as things happen to me, something in me just looks at them and goes “WTF? I don’t understand.” Instead of whatever it should normally do.

And I do push my brain a lot but in this mode most of what I do is failing to register in some important ways. I feel so much like I lost two months and I’m back at the end of October with all the confusion that means.

2 notes