8:07pm December 31, 2012

So I got some more information.

Okay so I talked to my DPA about some of the stuff I was writing about today. And she said the reason I’m failing to make myself better cognitively is because the cognitive problems are the result of physical problems that I’m unable to change. Apparently I’m way sicker than I think I am physically, because apparently whatever happened in the hospital was really really bad and I didn’t notice how bad, and apparently things like that take a long time to recover from and that’s why I haven’t recovered. Or something like that.

Those are pretty much the words she said anyway. I trust her to know about my body fairly well. The problem is today I’m feeling so completely shitty that my brain is doing even less well than usual and so therefore it’s not allowing me to make complete sense of this. What happened is last night they didn’t send someone to give me my stomach meds and everything got thrown off kilter. But then I didn’t connect to my body until tonight. And then I realized I feel a level of nausea I haven’t had in months because the meds had been controlling it so well. And if I feel this nauseated chances are my stomach isn’t behaving right since that’s what causes the nausea. I also feel like my head is in at least five locations at once, and I don’t know WTF that’s about. This isn’t an emergency or anything (it damn well better not be, not on New Year’s Eve) but it’s extremely uncomfortable. I’m quite good at holding food down because of a formerly intense emetophobia. But it doesn’t mean I’m enjoying myself here.

So all I can do pretty much is hope tomorrow isn’t this shitty. I always feel bad about worrying people if I post sufficiently bad things about my health. But she put it in no uncertain terms that basically a large part of what’s going on is my body is working so badly that my brain won’t work properly because it’s part of my body. Which is why I keep hitting a wall when I try my usual tactics of forcing my brain to work. It just won’t. Also after the fireworks tonight it’s also overloaded.

So today sucked and I can barely say anything good of it. I just can’t. I feel nervous about posting this because I can’t read what I’m writing but oh well. Basically to sum up I always underestimate how bad my health is and what that can do to my brain.

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