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5:06pm January 7, 2013

Why am I so afraid of admitting things like I did in my last post? Like admitting that the situation is bad, or that I’m scared? Especially in public? When I first got stuck in bed I went out of my way for over a year, even to the extent of frenetic posting on message boards, to make it look like I wasn’t that sick. And even when I admit things I always try to hold back a little on how extreme or serious they are. And I think that screws me up in all kinds of ways. Especially since pretending things are better than they are always ends up fooling myself in the end too. Which may be a factor in my tendency to overdo things or mistreat my body in various related ways. (Which is a selfish thing to do. I’m not the only person affected when the shit finally hits the fan.)

I have some idea why I downplay stuff, especially in a world where no matter how much a disabled person downplays things they’ll be accused of exaggerating for some mysterious personal gain. But it doesn’t make sense to do so. It’s just become almost a reflex – always hold back, never say exactly how things are.

WTF.

Notes:
  1. withasmoothroundstone posted this