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5:01pm February 4, 2013

The things I don’t see.

When I was actually able to think about these things, growing up, my future was like a tunnel. The only possibilities were down the tunnel. I was the first person to see I was outside the tunnel. The first person to see I wasn’t going back. But I couldn’t see where I was going. I thought I was in a different tunnel.

I couldn’t see that the way my life has turned out was even a possibility. I couldn’t see it at all. These situations didn’t exist.

Just like now. Just like when I just closed my eyes and felt like nothing particular happened for awhile. Lots of directions were blank like that.

I was abused as a kid. Other kids in the same situation knew how to pull away, run away, they left me there to face it because I never thought of hiding, I never thought of running away. Those possibilities were blank for me.

Every year I learn I have had more blank spots I couldn’t see. Blank spots that most people seem to not have, even when they’re very young. Even lots of autistic people don’t have these blank spots. Even though they’re a large part of my autism and that of many people like me.

It’s, in fact, one of the bigger areas of misunderstanding between people like me and some other autistic people.

“Why didn’t you just do this thing? Why don’t you just do that thing?”

“Because I didn’t know it was possible.”

“Everyone knows it’s possible.”

“I didn’t.”

“Yeah right.”

I know right now. Right now there are tons of blank spots. I can’t see where they are. I can’t even predict where they might be. They’re closed off to me by the very fact of their existence.

I wish I knew where they were. Finding them after the fact often makes me feel stupid. Everyone knew that, so why didn’t I? Except I didn’t. I couldn’t. But I don’t understand why it always works this way. And I wish I could see my way out. It seems to be part of what gets read as “passivity” in me sometimes, but it’s not necessarily the same as other passivity. I just want to get out of this before I stand here and let myself get run over by a truck or something because I couldn’t see a possibility that let me move.

And delirium type stuff seems to make it worse. The blank spots expand until they fill a lot of stuff I can normally see. But what I’m talking about is more common and stable than that. Just blank areas where most people, even autistic people, are aware of things. It’s confusing but I really want to see the next ones before something happens I could’ve avoided of I’d seen a way out in time.