3:29am March 19, 2013

My DPA gave me an answer.

For how to handle the clusterfuck of various health crises all converging on me.

She said fear and hopelessness wastes energy.

Instead, she said.

Resign yourself to the fact that there are many possible outcomes. From the best all the way to death. Don’t feel scared and hopeless about any of them. Just resign yourself to the fact that any of them could happen.

Then choose what you want to happen, within reason. And become absolutely determined to work towards that outcome no matter what.

She said once when she had almost no energy because she was dying from a botched procedure. That absolute resigned yet determined mode gave her a second wind that allowed her to fight to get treatment and save her life.

If she’d been scared and hopeless about it and stayed that way, she probably would have died. No energy to spare.

And I understand that way too well. When you have so little energy that breathing becomes difficult (enough to need mechanical assistance) if you over exert yourself by, um, going outside? You start understanding how indulging certain feelings can make you feel worse, or even kill you.

So I can see what she means. I suspect she’s right. I’m going to try it. I’ve become tired enough that resignation is easy, and she said that’s a good sign – while you can look at this logically, this is more a soul thing than a head thing.

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