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11:55pm April 5, 2013

Why are so many physical therapists so scary?

I had to decline physical therapy. She could have taught me bed mobility, which is where my skills are at right now with this hole in my abdomen. But she had to push me farther – into such awful pain it couldn’t possibly be good. She paid no attention to the needs of my particular body. Didn’t ask about pain control status, neuromuscular conditions, hypermobility, all of which were highly relevant.

And most of all, didn’t respect my no. She claimed she would. But when I said no, she would cajole me just a bit further beyond my limits. She used every bit of manipulation – the guilt trip, the threat to tell my doctor I’ve given up, the threat of the nursing home, the threat of deconditioning, the “you’re doing so amazingly well” compliments that had barbs in them. And she hurt me. She betrayed what little trust I had that she wouldn’t damage my body. And when I tried to tell her, all she got was defensive.

And I’ve seen PTs do this to other patients. Especially disabled patients in vulnerable psychological states. They don’t understand the difference between pushing to achieve, and pushing that breaks people in body and spirit. They have no comprehension or compassion for what they do to people. They see no individual differences.

I’ve seen really good PTs. But when they are bad, they are bad like this. They are bad in ways that make me struggle so hard not to cry in front of them. I have watched hospital roommates break down crying from the utter degradation and be forced to continue anyway and showered with false praise after they have done what the PT wanted.

“See, you could do it after all. You didn’t know you could, and if I hadn’t shown you you could, if you hadn’t tried, you’d never have known.” Yes, I did it. At what cost? At the cost of my dignity. At the cost of my ability to function later when the pain kicks in. At the cost of things that can’t even be named.

After the PT left it took me over 24 hours to get my pain level below the level of agonizing, despite it being controlled beforehand. They told me this is how it’s done. How they do it to all patients. That’s the problem. Patients aren’t all alike. I have to wonder if this PT has ever known pain so bad that the brain checks out and creates complete disorientation. Because that’s what she created the other day. And left before she could see the wreckage, proud of having shown me I was wrong about my limits, angry that I wasn’t happy.

So today she showed up. And I sent her away. And I had the best day I’ve had since the surgery. As for deconditioning, I’ve recovered all on my own from months of lying flat, up to and including slowly teaching myself to sit up again. Lying around a bit until I heal is nothing in comparison.

And they believe this. They believe disabled people are lazy and manipulative and won’t achieve anything without being pushed to the limit regardless of the costs. This is not acceptable on so many levels. She could have easily gotten me so tired I couldn’t breathe on my own – it happens – but she didn’t think of that or any other bad consequence. She thought only of the image of me in her head.

She could have helped me. She clearly knew skills I need to learn. But she didn’t. She hurt me. This isn’t ok.