4:04am April 19, 2013

➸ "You don't need this junk. You need a cat.": I can't write at length about this because I feel really sick right now.

youneedacat:

jupiter-reborn:

youneedacat:

But maybe I’ll end up writing at length about it anyway.

But anyway.

So there was a place and time in certain autistic communities, where people thought that Jim Sinclair and Donna Williams were THE people to emulate. Where people thought that all real autistic people were like them, and it…

One of my worst fears right now is that I’m “forcing myself to conform” and making it all up. I don’t know what’s real and what I imagined and I’m terrified that I’m faking it and that the fact that I’m so okay with being autistic must mean that I’m a fraud. I think this has more to do with personal issues and history than anything else in my case, but this post is making me think.

That seriously wasn’t my intent. If I’m making you think you’re a fraud, you have to be taking me wrong, because I would never want to make anyone feel like that, having been accused of it myself. I’m talking about community dynamics that often actually make people feel like frauds, rather than trying to make anyone feel like one or talking about specific people.

Oh, no, no, no! I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean that at all. You are definitely not what is making me think that. Your post just made me think about some things that have been going on for me recently and I guess I used it as a jumping-off point for posting my thoughts. I should have thought more about the context, I apologize.

Oh okay. I just wanted to make sure you knew I didn’t mean it that way. Because I know what it’s like to be accused of being a fraud, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, even (or especially) self-accusation. I hate the whole idea of who counts as a “real” autistic person and who doesn’t, at least in this context. To me the only worth that ideas like autism have, is to help people get assistance with things they need, to further self-understanding, or to bring people together. And when I see them used to make people tear at each others’ throats, or doubt themselves, it makes me sick.

(Not to mention that all the hullabaloo in some circles about who counts as real, makes it impossible to have a reasonable discussion about the few instances where it really matters who counts as real — like a real thing that happened several years ago where a reporter posed as an autistic person within a specific autistic community and gained a lot of influence and favor and it turned out they were doing it to write stuff about autistic people and autistic communities and weren’t autistic at all. Which is an actual problem. But there’s so much crap stirred up in some circles about who counts as real and who doesn’t, that it’s impossible to discuss the few fairly rare instances where it really matters. I’ve never liked all that sort of gossip, even before it was turned against me, because it doesn’t do anyone any good and, again, makes people doubt themselves when they have enough self-doubt going around already. Honestly if a person were mistaken about being autistic, it wouldn’t be a big deal, it’s just a mistake, and nothing beyond that, but some people make it sound like the fate of the world depends on it. And that, in turn, makes people already prone to really harsh self-judgements, sit around freaking out about whether they’re a “fraud” or not for thinking they’re autistic.)

Notes: