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12:14pm April 22, 2013

I don’t think she notices that I notice anything about her utter contempt for my existence. She does all this crap that makes her think she’s hiding it from me. Like I haven’t seen it a million times before.

It’s not that there’s anything personal. That would require me being a person. I’m clearly not a person to her. And she tries to hide that by joking too loudly and talking too fake-casually and all sorts of other things that, together, make it very clear what I am to her. (Which is “retard”. There’s no pretty way of putting it. And she probably doesn’t put it in any particularly pretty way when she’s not actually in a room with me.) Fey doesn’t like her either, as far as I can tell.

I just end up putting up with her, because I know I have very little other choice. She doesn’t know I’m aware of her. As in, aware of her, as her, as the person she is, who has contempt for people like me. She thinks I don’t notice. I don’t get how I could avoid noticing. There’s people who are a lot slicker than her about hiding it. But she’s not very slick, she just thinks she is, and I let her think it because I could never deal with that conversation unless she pulled something outrageous.

(Someone did pull something outrageous on me the other day. Outrageous and manipulative. One of her many, many colleagues, who all cover for each other no matter how horrible they are. It’s funny they call many of their clients manipulative when they manipulate us far worse than any of us ever does to them. In fact, manipulative people seem attracted to this profession. And when we manipulate them – when it isn’t just a bad word they call us, that is, which most of the time, it is – it’s to maintain our freedom. When they manipulate us, it’s to destroy our freedom, and sometimes our lives.)

Some of them convince themselves they’re doing all this for us. That they’re doing us a wonderful service. Others of them are just mean and nasty under a veneer of sickly sweetness. Like Umbridge. It was an Umbridge I was dealing with the other day. The person I’m talking about now isn’t slick enough for that.

Idk I just get sick of these people. I grit my teeth and deal with them when I have to, because they can get the job done, but it’s really unpleasant at times.