as small as a world and as large as alone

9:43pm May 3, 2013

The color picture is me on the beach with my dog when I was 18. The black and white picture is at Autreat when I was 19.

It’s intended to illustrate what I meant when I said that I lost a lot of weight way too rapidly as my orthorexia picked up and there was barely anything left I’d allow myself to eat.

And scarily enough this is before I moved out on my own. When I really moved out on my own, I discovered I couldn’t feed myself often for perceptual and motor reasons related to autism. So my size dropped more and more after that. There aren’t any clear pictures of me at that point though, without me wearing baggy clothes or something. So this is the best illustration of how my size dropped entirely because of orthorexia, without other factors.

At that point, people who knew me were very disturbed by what was going on. But nobody said anything, because they knew I’d get defensive about it if they questioned why I needed a “special diet” with almost no kinds of food left in it. I remember actually asking someone if it was possible to starve while eating a normal amount of food. That person said yes, as did someone with them. But nobody could solve the problem of me cutting out more and more foods, which was the root problem.

Anyway these pictures show what I mean. They also show that problem with my chin. My neck doesn’t have normal curvature so it kind of sticks out. But if I tried to hold it in a more normal position I’d have a double chin. Always did no matter my size.

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