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9:04pm May 5, 2013

I can taste anything.

I think I’ve developed a strange relationship with food.

I didn’t do it on purpose. It’s just happened, the longer I have been diagnosed with gastroparesis. It especially happens during times when I either can eat nothing orally, or when my oral food has been limited to a few flavors: broth, or else Ensure, or something like that. And I can feel it starting to develop again now that I am purely tube fed.

It seems like I’m developing an ability, almost. An ability to taste food without the food even being there. I taste the food, I experience the feel of the food in my mouth, and it’s completely divorced from the horrible nausea and pain I would experience if I were to actually eat the food.

First it happened in dreams. In the hospital last October, I started having amazing, vivid dreams where I ate Italian food, with lots of garlic. It was amazing.

Now it happens without dreams. I can do it in my head, any time, with any food.

Fresh cucumber and tomato.
Injera and spicy lentils.
Artichoke hearts.
Pizza.
Beef tamales.
Fried meat dumplings.
Chili.
California-style burritos.
Avocados, or guacamole.
Collard greens with butter.
Garlic bread.
Rice. With butter or plain or with lots of various foods over it.
Every kind of pasta I can remember.
Gnocchi.
Pierogi.
Oatmeal with butter.
Grits.
Cookie dough ice cream.
Coffee ice cream.
Oolong tea.
Hoppin John.

And somehow, the taste of all these things is amazing. Better than it is if I were to stick them in my mouth, because it’s divorced from the pain of chewing, the difficulty swallowing, the long trip down to my stomach, the heartburn and nausea and vomiting. I can experience any of these foods in my imagination with far less problems than I would if I ate them or even just chewed them.

It reminds me of the way that now that I’m stuck in bed, I can go to places in my head, and get the absolute essence and personality of the place right without the distractions of so many other things involved in getting to and being at the places, especially with a body like mine. It’s like I’ve spontaneously developed the same ability only with food, now that I don’t eat anymore. I love it. And it’s different from a craving, because it doesn’t make me feel bad when I can’t eat the food. It makes me feel good just to be able to taste it. And it seems like I can taste anything as long as it’s somewhere in my memory, even if I only ate it once or twice. I can even go through a number of foods in rapid succession without feeling full.

I don’t quite understand how this is possible. Why is it that when I’m more removed from things, when I may never see or experience them again, my ability to experience them seems to become more enhanced over time, rather than fading away as I would expect? But whatever the reason, I really appreciate this.