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2:40am June 4, 2013
Okay before I go to bed. Just to take some inventory of my body. My head is pounding. Everything is flickering yellow. I feel like I’m stuck inside concepts and words and they’re slicing my brain like knives because this is not where I live this is not where I belong this is not who I am this is horrible. My body is like fritzing in and out. I can’t actually think the way I normally think. I feel cut off from everything important to me. Everything feels terrible. Burning everywhere on my body. Electrical burning. Can’t see my environment very well at all, it’s like it’s all at a distance somewhere. All I can see is words. How do people live in this place? How can people stand it? I know their brains must be set up for it. So I doesn’t hurt them. But it hurts me. Knife blades razor blades on every word every letter every every. Every. Bad. Bad bad. Bad bad bad. Bad bad. My world feels gutted. When I try to drop out of language, drop out of stories, it’s like… Wow. It’s awful. It’s like I can suddenly see the carnage in my brain. Like all these flickering lights fall away and it’s just me, on the edge of a severe shutdown. A severe shutdown that all the damn words are obscuring. Which is why I have to find a way to go to bed and sleep. And tonight I can’t sleep like last night. Last night I kept forgetting my bipap mask. And I’d wake up with splitting headaches from hypoxia. And that didn’t help. Horrible sleep quality. I think I’m tired and don’t know it anymore because the words take away everything all awareness of anything.

Okay before I go to bed. Just to take some inventory of my body.

My head is pounding.

Everything is flickering yellow.

I feel like I’m stuck inside concepts and words and they’re slicing my brain like knives because this is not where I live this is not where I belong this is not who I am this is horrible.

My body is like fritzing in and out.

I can’t actually think the way I normally think.

I feel cut off from everything important to me.

Everything feels terrible.

Burning everywhere on my body. Electrical burning.

Can’t see my environment very well at all, it’s like it’s all at a distance somewhere. All I can see is words.

How do people live in this place?

How can people stand it?

I know their brains must be set up for it. So I doesn’t hurt them.

But it hurts me. Knife blades razor blades on every word every letter every every.

Every. Bad. Bad bad. Bad bad bad. Bad bad.

My world feels gutted.

When I try to drop out of language, drop out of stories, it’s like… Wow. It’s awful. It’s like I can suddenly see the carnage in my brain. Like all these flickering lights fall away and it’s just me, on the edge of a severe shutdown. A severe shutdown that all the damn words are obscuring.

Which is why I have to find a way to go to bed and sleep. And tonight I can’t sleep like last night. Last night I kept forgetting my bipap mask. And I’d wake up with splitting headaches from hypoxia. And that didn’t help. Horrible sleep quality.

I think I’m tired and don’t know it anymore because the words take away everything all awareness of anything.

Notes:
  1. withasmoothroundstone posted this