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8:39am June 5, 2013

That thing that happened was awful.

The thing with the hypergraphia and the words and the stuck in words and horrible it felt like prison. But a flashing orange and yellow prison where everything was overloading but I wasn’t allowed to stop.

It was so terrible.

Idk what caused it.

I needed more than anything rest. But it wouldn’t let me rest.

It was like it was actually covering up my ability to get any rest at all. Telling me there was nothing to see. But when I dropped out of words and stories and constant activity, it was like…

I felt sick.

I felt so exhausted I was worried about myself.

I felt like I needed to rest or some sort of physical or neurological crash would happen. Possibly bad enough for the hospital again. And I don’t want to go there anytime soon.

I felt like my mind didn’t even work. It was just sort of a blank mush. There wasn’t much there.

And yet if I followed the words I was regurgitating tons of words and acting much more competent than I felt.

It was dangerous.

That wasn’t thinking, that was momentum plus ideas I’d already had stored, words already stored.s

Everything underneath it was blank and ready to collapse.

I hate that mode. And hate when people see the surface and somehow, I don’t know how, can’t see that it’s just a front for something really unpleasant