3:45am June 20, 2013

➸ Trying to find the right words: codedbydays: hugh-danced-the-dancy: leonardodiretardo: i hate it when...

hugh-danced-the-dancy:

leonardodiretardo:

i hate it when adults assume i’m on the internet all the time by choice. if i had enough money to travel around and etc, do you think i would be withering away my youth behind a computer screen you useless paperclip.

I dont…

I can’t travel anymore. I can’t even get out of bed very often. I only leave for medical visits. And spend way too much time in the hospital.

But I can travel whenever I want. I don’t know how I do it. I just sort of know the place I’m trying to go. And all of a sudden the place I’m trying to go is all around me. I don’t see it with my senses. I just sort of feel it. All of the essence of the place soaking into my surroundings. And I feel like a part of it.

For some reason it mostly only works outdoor places. I’m not sure why. Also, for some reason it feels almost better than the real thing. Or more like a distillation of the experience of the real thing – minus the overload and exhaustion that prevent directly experiencing the place until I have already left it. So that this experience feels more intense and real than going there does, because it’s missing the elements of going there that detract from the immediate understanding of being there.

Whatever it is, it makes it feel like I can travel even though I’m really just in bed. It’s far more realistic than what daydreaming normally feels like. I’ve looked around since the first time I tried to describe this and found the same thing described by a couple other people who were bedbound. Maybe, like my ability to vividly experience flavor now that I can’t eat, it’s one of those things that develops when you can’t do the real thing anymore. I don’t know. All I know is that it works for me and actually can feel better than actual travel used to feel when I did it. Because none of that feeling that I was so overwhelmed by getting there that I had no room in my brain for actually experiencing the place. Which is a problem that only magnifies now that I can rarely get out. On the rare occasion that I can go somewhere, not even far, I get so overwhelmed by the appearance of everything that I get almost blinded, and seasick. I’ve had that problem since the late nineties with real travel, but now that I’m in bed all the time it happens now for things that I wouldn’t even call travel.

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