Theme
9:04pm June 29, 2013

[TW: Gaslighting]

autisticweirdo:

Read More


I’ve experienced it so frequently that it’s hard to defend myself. Bullies would do stuff to me and say it never happened. And one has even tried to tell anyone who will listen that I AM NOT WORTH LISTENING TO ABOUT ANY PART OF MY LIFE EXCEPT IN ORDER TO UNDERSTAND MY PATHOLOGY.

As in, everything I remember is supposedly wrong even though I have witnesses for nearly all of it. Like multiple witnesses. That I went back to. And asked. Because I was so afraid all the bullies were right and my life never happened.

What really gets me. Even though I know my former bullies are lying about a lot. As in there’s not even a fraction of doubt, especially when they admit I am right in private and tell a completely fabricated story in public.

Even then, I have trouble understanding they are wrong and I am right and they are liars. (In one case a compulsive liar even by the admission of his current and past friends, to the point the people he hangs out with have in jokes about his lying.)

It’s so hard. Both because of the gaslighting thing where my every perception is wrong. And because it’s so hard to believe these people just stand there and make shit up with a straight face.

Two examples:

One guy said in private around my lawyer that a photo was taken in a mental institution, but in public claims it was taken in college and that I’m lying about where it was taken.

Another person claims publicly that I saw her having seizures and began faking my own seizures, which she described as slowly slumping over on furniture.

I’ve never seen her have a seizure in my life. She’s never seen me have (and certainly not fake) a seizure in her life, nor anything that could be mistaken or misremembered in that manner. Most of my seizures don’t involve any form of collapsing, they’re complex partial. I used to have atonic seizures, where you drop to the ground, but I’m told they happened so fast it looked faster than gravity. And my entire body got horribly banged up, bruised, and scraped. Which reminds me she said I carefully avoided injury. I wish. But by the time I had that kind of seizure she was living thousands of miles away. But then that runs her story of having lived with me a long time. In reality she lived in my family’s house while I lived in a residential facility. But that would ruin her story that I was never institutionalized. All her stories collapse when they meet reality.

Anyway these are people who love drama and fucking with people’s heads, and they have grudges against me or my family for various reasons, largely that I got away and am not their human toy anymore. But I still have trouble believing the baldness of their lies. Even though there’s no way they’re anything other than lies.

It’s just hard because people have spent so much of my life instilling in me the belief that my perceptions of reality are invalid. So it’s hard to say that people who pretend to be in earnest, who contradict my perceptions, are wrong.

Which is also how my stalker got to me. Every time I said anything about my life she would tell me I’d stolen it from her life. She got so intense I ended up confused, and went back and asked my parents and old friends if the things were real. All of them were. I may have big memory gaps, but if I remember something at all my accuracy is better than average.