2:27pm July 7, 2013

➸ Social skills for autonomous people: When you are someone's imaginary friend

Friendships require two consenting people. Someone can’t be your friend unless you also want to be their friend. Friendship is a relationship and it has to be mutual.

Some people do not understand this. Some people want to think of themselves as your friends, and don’t care what you want.

In…

Oh wow I wish I’d known this year’s ago.

Apparently a fairly large percentage of stalkers aren’t intentionally malicious, but are people with terrible boundaries, who honestly believe they have a friendship or romantic relationship with their target, that didn’t exist in real life. Their initial lack of malice does not stop them from being potentially terribly destructive to their targets.

I had a stalker of that sort once. She saw me on tv and read my writing and decided I was her close friend. Then she moved into my building, walked into my apartment, declared herself my friend, and the rest was a nightmare. (She was very selfish and abusive but always acted like the victim even if she’d just started a fight. And that’s not the half of it.)

I didn’t understand that I was asked to say no to her. And later I became so frightened of her abusive side that it took a lot of crap before I finally told her to stay away from me. Which of course she didn’t.

But at the time I didn’t even know I was allowed not to be her friend if she said she was my friend. And knowing that would have helped me a good deal.

But I learned from that experience, that I didn’t owe her anything and that by playing along, I was putting myself (or allowing her to put me) in more danger than I expected.

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